Dating peices

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I had my first panic attack in years today. I've gone through alot this year and I've been holding it off for weeks but I knew it was inevitable

2020.10.18 23:58 xxasynixxx I had my first panic attack in years today. I've gone through alot this year and I've been holding it off for weeks but I knew it was inevitable

Trigger warning of panic attack and talk of abuse, self harm and an overdose
This last year has been one of the hardest of my life, quite a lot has happened. Me and my husband have 2 children between us my bio son age 5 and my stepson age 10
Covid struck so me and my husband couldn't see our kids for 12 weeks due to Shielding
As I finished sheilding I was paralysed by a hemaplegic migraine meaning I needed physio to use my left arm and legs again
We didn't see the kids during my recovery as I didn't want to put them through it.
We finally got the kids back visiting again and I found out my nan didn't have long left to live. But as I live 100 miles away and am estranged from my family I couldn't visit.
Because of the estrangement I left it a day or two too late and by the time I tried to call nan she couldn't hear or talk anymore. So I never got a chance to say goodbye or mend bridges.
I regret that I let my nan die before fixing things with her, I didn't want her to die with that on her conscience. She loved me until I came out of the closet and probably still after that but I know she was ashamed of me.
My extended family hate me, they wouldn't speak to me at the funeral and noone would give us a lift from the church to the burial, not even my sister.
I helped a freind leave an abusive relationship and let her move in with me. But we both have BPD and her depression set off the feelings I've been bottling up all year.
I got a severe chest infection and got admitted to the covid ward, meaning I had to quarentine for 2 weeks before seeing the kids again.
Unfortunately I went into a downward spiral of depression and stopped caring about my freind (or anyone Inc myself)
The same freind went off the grid the other night, I got a call from her freind and her boyfriend asking if I knew where she was, they hoped she was with me, we spent two hours trying to find her. I found her diary that had the words suicide ideation written after talking about paranoia.
She went to her exes house who gave her the choice between a razor blade or a wine bottle as she wanted to self harm. She drank two bottles of wine and he had sex with her without her consent
She took an overdose while he was out of the room and he "didn't notice". Thankfully the girl who called me looking for her sent an ambulance to the exes on a gut feeling. They struggled to raise her blood pressure and she spent the night in hospital but discharged herself in the morning.
The new Covid teir system has come in and our youngest son lives in the highest affected area meaning he can't visit again in case he's a carrier. And the guilt is eating me alive.
There's probably more that I can't think of right now too
Today it finally happened everything I've been fighting off culminating into a panic attack. I lost time during it, one moment I was upstairs shouting bye as my husband took our dog out, the next I was in the kitchen making dinner, then I was on the dining room floor, unable to breathe, rocking back and forth, listening to music, rubbing a soft peice of fabric. I had pain in my chest, pins and needles in my hands and feet, I couldn't ground myself. Thankfully my husband came home with the dog and grounded me. He used a trick he remembered me telling him when we first started dating, feed me biscuits. He has never seen me have a panic attack and yet he remembered what I told him.
Through all of this he has been my rock but I'm scared this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have noone to talk to professionally yet as I'm on a waiting list. But because my life has been so fucked up its gonna be a long journey, starting with a sexual abuse councillor. I had to start that journey recently which has brought all that to the fore front, so I'm scared that when I finally start therapy for nearly 3 decades of life throwing shit at me, I'm gonna hit rock bottom. And I don't wanna be there again.
I'm sorry I've rambled and if you read this I appreciate it. I'm just so scared that this panic attack is the first of many xxx
submitted by xxasynixxx to Anxiety [link] [comments]

2020.10.18 04:52 DragonBallFan2020 How my Half Elf Cleric got a Tabaxi girlfriend

So this was a game I joined at a game shop a while back, the party had been together for a while, but they welcomed me with open arms. So here's how it went;
The game starts at a barbarian village where the group had been in the last session before I joined, apparently some of the children decided to tie a skull to flame prove string, douse it in alcohol and set it on fire to make everyone think a Flaming Skull was attacking. The children were punished, however the eldest child was to have his punishment decided by the party, and our fighter stepped up and made him her squire (trust me, it's much worse than it sounds.)
Que me, Clark Kenta, the half elf Cleric (of the knowledge domain) and loyal follower of Deneir, the god of writing. His temple sent him out to find this party after a strange man visited one of the priests in their dreams, telling them to help this group of adventurers. Once there, he sheepishly entered the village, where he walked past several strong and scary barbarians, eventually finding the others in the grand hall. The players all say hello to me, including a Tabaxi druid who was very cheerful and loved to talk, we were the only ones in the group who had healing spells, so we both silently agreed to work together to keep our teammates alive.
After we left the village we traveled throughout the day, eventually stopping to set up camp for the night, when suddenly we were all asked to make perception checks, we all succeeded, and we heard something outside the light that our campfire gave us. Our warlock decided to try and pinpoint the source of the noise and use Eldritch Blast on it, he got a natural 20 on his perception, but a natural 1 on his attack (this made us all laugh) so he hits a tree instead and it explodes, sending wood everywhere, and thus we had to make dexterity saving throws in order not to get hit.
I failed. So a peice of wood hit my head for 2 damage, not too bad but it drew a bit of blood. The rest of the group runs after this thing, except the Tabaxi druid who stays behind to tend to my injuries, our faces getting close at one point, making both the druid and Clark blush. However, the lovey dovey moment was broken up when the DM rolled two dice and asked for each of our AC's. We tell him and the DM explains how I saw something shoot at me, but I put my shield up just in time to block it, the druid however, is not so lucky. She gets hit and has to do a constitution save, she fails and is unconscious thanks to a certain sleep dart in her neck, now it's just me with whatevers out there.
Thankfully however the party realized they've been bamboozled and rushes back to try and save me and the druid, I'm glad they did. Turns out a Kenku assassin was sent after us, and it was from the mysterious BBEG, (which the players had to fill me in about both in game and irl) on a more sweet note, Clark stayed with the durid until she woke up, and she gave out the cutest purr Clark had ever heard.
After a few more sessions, our characters got closer and closer, saving each other as well as our allies, and one day, I asked the druid if she'd like to go on a little dinner date (we were in a fairly large city) she said yes and the two headed out, and what followed was a night of good food, dancing, and a good night sleep together (no, there was no nsfw stuff) because turns out that after Clark fell asleep, the druid crawled into his bed with him, completely fluttering him when he awoke.
And that is how Clark Kenta got his Tabaxi girlfriend.
submitted by DragonBallFan2020 to DnD [link] [comments]

2020.10.16 17:41 maplefraser Honesty is key

I stumbled upon IE through unsent letters. That place calmed my ever insecure mind. It was a place where I could pretend to receive affirmations; Beautiful ones, that I would never receive in real life. Every once in a while, if someone had a good pen, I'd check out their profile, and maybe give them a follow, if the writing style suited my fancy.
This is were my decent begins.
Alice down the rabbit hole.
Never really hitting
IE seemed like a cool place. Small town kinda vibes. Close people, intense poetry, and outside the box thinkers. I was all in. The community welcomed me with open arms. In a time of uncertainty and confusion, it was a home. I really made myself comfortable. It all seemed so familiar. I tend to associate familiarity with safety. And if you know anything about my past, you know that safety is something I crave. It was a lighthouse through the fog of my mind. But maybe lighthouses are not always good. I started remembering small details, connected metaphorical dots with red thread, and thumb-tacs. Everything came together in one big picture. A mosaic of string if you will. That being said, there were still holes in the frame. I was missing key information for it to be complete. And honestly, I don't think I ever wanted it to be complete. I felt like a mad woman. Surly, no sane person could think in these sorts of patterns. So I tossed the painting aside, as I'm sure you would, too. But as time drew on, more memories started to resurface. The sense of familiarity was no longer due to safety, it was my subconscious recognizing this place. You both are present in this subreddit.
I'm sorry I didn't remember sooner. Or maybe I'm actually insane. Misremembering minor details. Maybe I'm remembering dreams. But if that is so, then why do my memories match yours. Specific times, dates, locations, settings, and conversations all line up; Until there is a peice of information I don't already have. Why does it feel like you are gaslighting me? Why does it feel like I am saying everything and you both are saying nothing? Why can I hear the shift of tone in your voice, the one when you lie? I know you both too well. I'm putting all my cards on the table. There are none up my sleeve, but if you must check, be careful of my heart... It is resting on top. My sanity is literally hanging on by a red thread. Do not cut it.
What does it all mean? Honestly, I don't care. I just don't want to be crazy. If you withhold information from me, for your own self preservation, I will never forgive you both. Of all the people in this world, you two are the ones I trust. When times of darkness cloud my sight, I always look to shore for your lighthouse. I understand the situation and circumstances are complex. I will understand, if there is more to the story that you don't want to reveal. I will not press on those matters. Only reveal what you must for my sanities sake. I promise you, and I have never broken a promise, that I will understand your reasonings. I promise, I will not lash out. I am begging you, graciously hand over the missing jigsaw peices. It doesn't have to be all of them. Just enough to bring my feet to solid ground. Afterwards was can dissassemble the picture, together, if you'd like. We never have to talk about it again. Or, we can hang it on the wall together. Whatever you both decide, I will follow your guidance of what you deem it fit. Just please don't mess with my head. There is no action that you both cannot be forgiven for. Except withholding truth. I have always stated my truth. It's time for you to say yours. You know my 2 innermost values: honesty, and altruism. Please keep them in mind moving forward. This is my boundary.
Light and Love.
submitted by maplefraser to u/maplefraser [link] [comments]

2020.10.13 14:34 o_phelan08 £550 Gaming PC

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.

What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?

When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.

What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)

Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?

If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.

Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?

Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)

Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?

Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?

submitted by o_phelan08 to buildapcforme [link] [comments]

2020.10.11 21:40 Handeatingcat Sunday morning, after a Saturday night.

For the first time in a long time I woke up feeling like I was hit by a bus, dragged a couple hundred feet and tossed in to a cigarette butt filled gutter. That's what I get for straying from my vodka only diet I suppose, shame on me. Mikes Harder Lemonade, ugh.
It's Sunday morning at noon, and I'm 5 shots in with little relief, better than how I felt when I first peeled open my crusted red eyes hours ago but fuck I will never drink that disgusting flavored malt liquor they call Mikes again. My brain feels like it's floundering in the pool-turned-pond I'm watching rain drops fall in behind a chain link fence of my ghetto ill maintained apartment complex. Murky thoughts.
My buddy came over for the first time in months, touting a small bottle of Jameson and a six pack of seltzer. Fucking seltzer, the new cider, I'm fucked off on both, nasty shit that sits like a sack of lead in my stomach and has me waking up in the morning feeling like a brain dead ghoul. Thanks but no thanks, I'll stick to my vodka please and thank you.
But he insists. If he's drinking beer between our too many shots in too little time, then surely I should be drinking too. Logic. Stupidity. Whatever. He has only a tiny inkling of truly how far gone I am, but the 3/4 full bottom shelf plastic half gallon in the freezer with it's full yet to be opened brother on top of my fridge should be a clue.
Fuck it. Let's walk to the gas station mini mart. Why not.
Blowing smoke out and listening to his trials and tribulations of dating a prude "no penetration sex yet" girlfriend of 8 months who also pole dances for sport but doesn't strip, we saunter to the 'Lucky Mart' around the corner. Family owned, family run, very sweet and nice Vietnamese people trying to make a living, and I'm happy to help. Much rather give them my money than the faceless nameless 7/11 an equal distance away.
Not so lucky tonight. There's a peice of plywood crudely bolted over a now absent glass pane the entrance door. Hm. We gather our booze and shitty poisonous snacks and get to the plexiglass divided register to pay for our goods. Masks on, always masked, always mumbling behind a mask and speaking loudly, new normal, depressing.
It's near closing and the family run business is all family at this point, husband, wife, two twin teenage boys and a young daughter occupy the shop, cleaning and getting things ready for close. "You see that?" husband says gesturing toward to door.
Break in.
Had the power go out early that morning, several other businesses in the area broken in to as well. Crime of crackhead shit fuck opportunity. Scum bags. We banter for a minute as my buddy fumbles his card out. What a shitty area we live in, how people are shitty, how there were 4 murders in 5 days within 6 blocks.
We shrug and shake our heads, life's a peach isn't it. At least it's cheap out here, $1110 for a 1 bedroom apartment. Cheap right? Fuck me.
So we pay and shamble off like drunken idiots back to my apartment with a pool that more closely resebmes a pond and murders occurring every month within a stones throw. We drink and smoke and laugh and sing and everything seems just a little bit normal for the first time in a long time.
Today I'm paying for it. Mikes Harder Lemonade, fucking ugh. My eyes feel like heavy marbles trying to escape my skull, my throat felt parched and dry seemingly demanding that spicy Russian water. So I obliged, and then again, and then again, and then again twice more. Why not?
Whatever dog bit me last night was a goddamn wolf and it needs a toupee instead of a hair. I'm happy to give it. To get to "normal". A normal that would make my father blush and my mother weep. A normal that would make a normal person sick to their stomach and wretching in to a bin.
That's me, my Sunday morning.
submitted by Handeatingcat to cripplingalcoholism [link] [comments]

2020.10.07 20:32 Illustrious_Ad_1297 Friend recommended me that i build a pc. I have zero idea what I'm doing.

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.
What I'm looking for in this pc is something that's good with intense photography editing. My current pc brings up a gpu error when i have lightroom, photoshop and discord (in a call) on. I normally don't play high demanding games, but the bench mark I'm looking for is red dead redemption, Gta 5, and cyberpunk. I will never play these games on ultra. Medium high to high graphics.
What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?
When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.
What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)
Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?
If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.
Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?
Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)
Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?
Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?
Extra info or particulars: I mainly play over watch, roller coaster tycoon 1. (i need the computer to be able to run this. It's my favorite game) Photography is a huge thing taking up space on my computer. I'd like to get into some intense editing stuff with photoshop and lightroom.
submitted by Illustrious_Ad_1297 to buildapcforme [link] [comments]

2020.10.06 05:15 LegendOfSagg Help

Ok guys. I'm not dating this girl, actually, she flat out rejected me. I really like this girl and she is honestly perfect. I want to get close with her again, but I don't know how to start the conversation. I feel like she is the missing peice. She probably will never like me, but how do I approach her? We have been friends for years, but when I confessed, things got awkward. I really really want her. She gives mixed signals, she texts me with words an overthinker like myself stress about, and she is confusing in general. I don't know what to do. I guess this post is about me asking if I/how do I forget and move on? Or do I chase after her? My brain can't handle it anymore man.
submitted by LegendOfSagg to dating_advice [link] [comments]

2020.10.01 01:14 letsdothis776655 Non eventful Update to "Dont tell your parents" and Mil story time.

Hello again. I am the one with the Mil who told my child to lie to his parents. Quick update for that situation. My husband was aware I would eventually be posting here so he knew that I was going ro be sharing things about his mother.
However, I do not think my husband was prepared for what was being said about him. His initial response was anger as he felt I did not stand up for him. I spoke my peice with him this morning and he was still gathering his thoughts when he left for work. We both ended the coversation knowing we needed to still finish it. I do believe though he is started to understand the severity of the situation.
So back to the reason for this post. After I posted yesterday I felt amazing and that was before I was being validated for how I felt. I am going to start in the beginning.
I met my husband when we were both just out of high school. We were both living with our parents still. After a few months I would stay at his house about 90% of the time. I was able to get to know his family. He lived with his mom, his moms then boyfriend, and his brother. Although his brother was rarely there when we were. I was able to get to know his family very well. His mom had been dating her then bf for enough years to be considered common law married in my state. After my DH and I had been dating for a few months marriage became something we talked about. Once his mom overheard us talking and she said she never wanted to get married again. She said her divorce from my DHs dad was horrible and she never wanted to deal with that ever again.
Fast forward a few months, my husband asks me to marry him. A month after we announced our engagement Mil tells us she is getting married too. We asked her when and she said she didnt set a date yet, but neither had my Dh and I.
Then my DH and I announce when we will be getting married. After about a week Mil comes to us and tells us she picked a date too, 3 months after we will be getting married.
When my husband proposed he didnt have a ring. He gave me an egagement ring 3 days before we got married. Totally fine with that. I hate jewelry to be honest. Now get me a good book or some cool kitchen tools and I am set. But nevertheless, I showed off my ring to everyone as I was very happy.
After we got home from our destination wedding/honeymoon my DH and I met up with Mil and her at the time fiance. As soon as we got there Mil ran up to me and pulled me into the living room. She said you have to see something. Then she held out her hand. She had the same freaking engagement ring. (My husband bought my ring at a place that made multiples of the same ring. But like I said I could give two poops how much he spent on it as jewelry is def not my thing). I was speechless, I actually remember feeling weirded out.
Then she says this fine line. "Let me see yours." She grabs my hand before I could move. "Look how shiny mine is. Maybe you should take yours in to be cleaned."
Mil eventually showed DH her ring during that visit. At the time we never discussed it. I did bring that story up to him recently and informed him about what Mil said to me. He shrugged it off.
Please explain this behavior to me. Does anyone else find this odd?
Also any name suggestions would be helpful. TIA
submitted by letsdothis776655 to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]

2020.09.30 16:58 _loosingit This dream is the scariest, most soul rattling one I've ever had. Please help me interpret it.

TW for suicide, death, stalking, basically anything scary.
This happened in my dream last night, and it has still left me rattled to my core, hours after waking up. I just need help interpreting it. I still cant tell if this is psychological or paranormal.
For some background about me, I have epilepsy. The medication I am on causes insomnia, but the one I'm being switched over to shouldnt. It's easy to say I havent been getting enough sleep these past few months. The night before this dream happened I kept tossing and turning. I had a feeling like I was going to expirience sleep paralysis, which is something both of my parents, my grandmother and a few aunts and uncles have experienced as well. I have always been kind of wary when it comes to that. I am a believer in the paranormal, and ever since we moved in the house (in 2018), we all have felt kind of on edge and nervous about this place. It was not our decision to move here, as the military transferred us to this state. We live in a townhouse, and we have all had, since the first night we moved in, a paranormal or unnerving experience in this house. At the start of the whole Covid pandemic, I was having extremely vivid dreams, none of which were as vivid or mortifying as the one I'm about to share. I havent had as clear dreams since around May or June. I also live with my mother, father and younger sister, as well as a dog and cat. Clear to note I've been having a lot of strange coincidences happen. Like for example I'll be playing a video game and listening to a podcast and right as I jump the person on the podcast says jump. I'll also be in the car humming a song and the radio will immediately thereafter play that same song.
That's enough backstory lets get on with the dream.
Before I had the dream, it was a normal day. I did my schoolwork (tired from the night before, my insomnia) and I played Playdead's game Inside, and I got McDonalds for dinner. I called my friend and before before I got ready and watched the Presidential Debate. Afterwards I got in bed and watched the rest on my phone, as our TV cut out due to bad weather.
So I'm in my room and I'm all ready for bed. Heres the dream now.
In this dream there were 3 youtubers, not real ones, just random people my brain decided to make as youtubers. (This part is fuzzy) but basically they were giving out money, and there was a contest going on between them. If you solve a mystery, you get the money. Somehow I beat my friends and won like 15 dollars, the highest amount.
In this next portion, same dream but like a jump scene. I'm at this park and I see a tall man talking to two black haired women. Nothing significant except they are dressed kind of slutty. Something in my dream was telling me that I had seen this man before. I couldnt exactly make out a face, but basically I knew somehow that this man was a stalker. Not mine, not a friend's, but a stalker. I see the man go home and that's about it.
Something else dream Me remembers is that man was connected to the youtube competition somehow. I think he was a loser and didn't win any of the money.
Next thing that happens is I'm at home. All of our bedrooms are on the top level, theres the kitchen and living room are on the middle level, and the basement is well, the last floor. I'm upstairs on my bed, writing something I've been busy on (in real life as well). I had my laptop open, my notebook and my phone all on my bed. I went downstairs to get water, leaving my phone and everything else on my bed. My family is downstairs and I grab a peice of paper, as to not say anything loud. Then I gather my mom and sister over to the counter. I write on a peice of paper "I think there is a man in my bedroom." We walk over to the living room where my dad is and show him the paper he gets up, about to walk up the stairs to my room. Everyone is kind of shaking. That's when our dog, not particularly aggressive, stars to growl. She is growling at something upstairs. Right as she is about to run upstairs, a dead decapitated body of a grown man tumbles down my stairs and lays against the wall. We are all in shock and my mother says "I-I think hes decapitated."
I'm terrified and I somehow already know who this man is, even without a head. Something to note is that he isnt bleeding, even out of the neck where his head is supposed to be. Theres nothing. We run upstairs and immediately we cant find a head. If this were real life, of course we would leave the house as that is a crime scene. But no, I walk past the body, shaken up, and grab my phone off my bed.
I notice that this man has scribbled on every single page in my notebook, covering up all the words. He left cryptic notes in my cell phone and deleted all of my work off of my documents in the laptop. There were bras that didnt belong to me, stuffed inside my nightstand and in my closet. The room was absolutely trashed. There was a noose hanging from a plant hook on my ceiling in front of my doorway. There was still no head to be found. I cried because our family had seen some horrific stuff. Just the thought that he was in my room absolutely terrified me. My room is a sanctuary, and place where I go to retreat. Just the sheer idea of a strange man ending his life is something, even in a dream, that haunts me.
What followed was even more confusion. Somehow the man was on message boards looking for people to date. He had met a woman (one of the ones at the park) and after she had broken up with him, he decided to end his life.
In our house.
My mother proceeded to clean up my room after the body was removed and his death was ruled as a suicide. She washed my sheets, took down the posters in my wall. I got rid of my notebooks which was especially hard for me considering what I'm working on was something I'm very proud of. I stripped everything in my room away, and I could barely sleep at night. My dad made me and my little sister a homeade drummer to keep us busy. I refused therapy and decided to use that experience to become stronger. I still felt empty inside. For some reason I always had my phone. That's something I've always been afraid of, not having my phone when I'm scared or in a crisis.
Despite having a man end his life in such a gruesome and horrific way in my own bedroom, I pushed on. Only with a little hint of fear
That was my horrible dream last night. I am not, and hopefully never will be, in any way shape or form, a violent person. I have never had a violent dream before; whether that be a tornado or a school shooting.
My mom said the dream could just be because of covid, but something tells me it's much darker then that. I dont know what, but it lingers on me. My description of the dream my not have been the best, but I guarantee you, its haunting the deepest parts of my soul.
I am hoping someone out there can maybe help interpret this, as I have no idea what this all means. I promise everything is real and this isnt some creepypasta or anything.
To help someone out who may want a little more backstory (whether this is related or not), I am hoping to become a detective one day. Criminology and criminal justice are two things I'm studying at the moment. Maybe this dream was a way of testing me, to see if I can handle the gory and disturbing things I might see on the job.
Thanks for listening, any help would be muched needed.
Also I'm very sorry this was long.
submitted by _loosingit to Dreams [link] [comments]

2020.09.28 18:28 BG1981 [WTS] Chris Reeve Kinves Small Inkosi [UK - Paypal]

I'm selling my Chris Reeve Small Inkosi drop point. REDUCED...****
I purchased this Knife April this year from Framar Knives in the Uk, the build date is June 25th 2019. I have carried the knife twice, taken more pictures of it then I have carried it and it has only cut a few peices of paper when I first took delivery. So it's literally brand new as you can see from the pics. But for the sake of grading I will have to say A-/B++ due to carrying it the few times and cutting the paper.
Selling as I just can not justify having this sat in it's box especially given the current climate.
I want £270 ono + £10 UK/EU shipping. PAYPAL - PM me for details or further questions.
Knife will be shipped Royal Mail 1st Class tracked.
Preferable UK/EU but can look into international shipping.
submitted by BG1981 to EDCexchange [link] [comments]

2020.09.28 17:37 BG1981 [WTS] Chris Reeve Knives Small Inkosi [UK - PayPal]

I'm selling my Chris Reeve Small Inkosi drop point. REDUCED
I purchased this Knife April this year from Framar Knives in the Uk, the build date is June 25th 2019. I have carried the knife twice, taken more pictures of it then I have carried it and it has only cut a few peices of paper when I first took delivery. So it's literally brand new as you can see from the pics. But for the sake of grading I will have to say A-/B+ due to carrying it the few times and cutting the paper.
Selling as I just can not justify having this sat in it's box especially given the current climate.
I want £280 ono UK shipping. PAYPAL - PM me for details or further questions.
Knife will be shipped Royal Mail 1st Class tracked.
Preferable UK/EU but can look into international shipping.
submitted by BG1981 to Knife_Swap [link] [comments]

2020.09.28 04:39 norapeformethankyou 18 years

18 years you have wasted my life. I struggled to build a life together, support you, get you to start college... Then you tell me you want out, your not happy... FUCK YOU. I worked full time while going to school because you wanted to go out. I went without sleep because you made me believe you loved me. I'm now 34, have no idea what I will do, have no idea how to date, and you took my dog... You want to be friends? Fuck off. You feel like this is the right decision for you? Fuck off. Women like you are the reason theres no such thing as a good guy. Burm in hell you peice of shit.
submitted by norapeformethankyou to rant [link] [comments]

2020.09.27 20:21 BeastyNinja [IWC] Can anyone help me verify the authenticity of this IWC before purchasing

Hi all,
I was looking on ebay for an IWC Pilot mark XViii and i came across this peice, it's selling for £2100 which is over half the retail which leads me to believe that it is too good to be true. It doesn't come with a box but it comes with the warranty card from Goldsmiths apparently.
I feel like there's something off about the minute hand's length as well as the date window but maybe i'm just overthinking it.
Can someone help me verify its authenticity or stop me from doing something very stupid. Thanks!
I'll use lightshot to post some pictures of the peice down below.
Warranty Card:
Back of the buckle:
submitted by BeastyNinja to Watches [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 00:51 throwafffuckingway Can i give up on my church and move to dif healthier church without being called backslider?

Ive been a christian since i was a kid, despite that i have a very dysfuntional family and my parents who just never cared for me and my sisters.
Im 22 now and ive been reading the bible since the beginning of this month started in luke and now im colossians. I always thought being a christian means bearing all the bad things happen to me and overcoming it with the grace of Jesus and steady being positive but life have been really tough to me. Last year i only went to church for at least 10 times, i had alot of anxiety attack because of traumatic life events that cause of my church, i was ban in playing drums because i prioritize my study over practice and my excuse wasnt enough because some student cant do it but i cant.
Its really tough to the point where i started having suicidal thoughts and cutting myself. I talked to my pastor about this but all he told me is that he will pray for me.. i know it doesnt sound so bad but i was depress and i was hoping for an encouraging words but i was given the most dull advice in my whole life. I was broken into peices.
Things hasnt been the same in the church but this year ive been comming back to the Lord, my college friend helped me and we started a one on one bible study that really boosted my faith, and my relationship to Jesus. But whenever i go to church all i think about was how badly i was treated in church. I miss being able to close my eyes and praise the Lord without having the thought of being judge.
Im really really trying to keep up with my church demands, but they tighter and higher every sunday. When the quaratine was loosen up in my town , the church re open but because alot of transpo stoll doesnt operate alot of my churchmate have a hard time going to chuch, instead of making a little late (normal church time is 8:30am-12:00) they made it more early, to 8:00am, so alot of young adult who lives a bit far from my church had to be up at 4am to get a transpo but sometimes they cant even get until noon so theyd be late, and instead of being understading my church held a meeting to all the adult youth member that they have to wake up early.
One of the sing leader even had to walk just to go to the church and i know it seems like its such a good thing to sacrifice alot but i feel like its so unecessary inconvient to do things like that special to people my age who's already a bread winner to each others family because of low income parents and other sad issues this generation is facing.
They also doesnt allow any youth fellowship because they said we were noisy and used the covid excused but my pastor preach about how dying is a gain to the Lord. They even made the youth live service to once a month because they said nobody is watching.He's sending a mix signal tbh.
They set a rule but those rules doesnt apply to people who have "higher faith" and tbh i feel so tired being a christian now more than ever. I feel like im in a cult and i have to follow everything even tho it just doesnt make sense anymore. Things was completly dif, they treat us nicely and kindly now my pastors wife check my devotions every sunday and literallg check it with red pen with matching date like im still in sunday school.
When i go to church i have more anxiety than when i have to speak out in public, i get more depress when i go to church, i feel more emotiobally tired when i see them and i promise you, ive been praying everday to the Lord to teach me to love my pastor and pastors wife again but can i love them from afar? And not cost my mental health?
Im so tired of always putting others first.. why cant i put myself first? Why does christians treat eachother so badly? Why old christians cant love the youth christians? Im sorry if my english isnt good, this isnt my first langauage, and im sorry if my username annoys you, i cant make a new account because then id have to build up karma :( sorry.
submitted by throwafffuckingway to AskAChristian [link] [comments]

2020.09.24 05:06 tollfreecall $6500~7000 Work Station + Gaming

Hey! Im in the market for a new pc and wanted to see someone else's opinion on what I should get because I'm new to the pc building scene.
What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.
I'll likely be using it for premiere pro and Photoshop primarily, though I also use after effects from time to time. I tend to edit quite a few layers in premiere pro and have pretty high quality footage(4~8k). The games I play are like usually games like Civ 6, anno 1800, skyrim, minecraft and stuff like that. I do play some FPS games but it's pretty rare. My old computer never gave me many issues (1080ti, 7700k I think) while gaming, but it did struggle with darksouls 3 and assassins creed odyssey when on high. For programs, if I could get faster render times for editing that would be GREAT. On my old pc I'd do a complicated edit and need to render it for 5 minutes every tiny change I made which is really really annoying. I am also needing a better rig for 3d modeling as well. My main focus is work however I definitely would like to be able to game as well.
What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?
Technically my max is 11,500 but I'd prefer to only spend around 6500~7000
When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.
I don't have a specific date in mind because idk how long things like this take to ship but I'd like to order everything by the end of the month.
What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)
Tower, os, maybe a monitor if you have one that you'd recommend! I like 4k but Im also interested in ultra wides because of the screen real estate.
Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?
California and I don't know what a microcenter is
If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.
My computer is several years old so I don't think I'll use any of the peices. I may use it for something else. I have an Mx master mouse 3, a seiki pro monitor and two LG moditors. Everything else will probably be new.
Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?
I'm not exactly sure how or why to do that, I'm not sure if I should or not 😅
Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)
I'd like a lot of reliable storage, I currently just use external 4tb drives until they're full.
Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?
I don't care that much but I'd like it to be nice looking and I suppose white or lighter colors would fit my office aesthetic better. As long as it's good for being cool I'm happy with it.
Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?
I know how to buy one but if one would be better for what I do please let me know. I'm aware of I'm going to upgrade my ram enough I'd need to get a different version that supports 128 gigs.
Extra info or particulars:
Not that I can think of!
submitted by tollfreecall to buildapcforme [link] [comments]

2020.09.23 16:55 an_ugly_bird Naming brands in your work

I often go out of my way in my writing to avoid mentioning name brands or culture icons because 1) I feel like it will feel dated after a few years and 2) I am afraid there might be legal trouble later on down the line if the peice is published. Am I wasting my time by avoiding name brands? Do you name names in your writing? Is there even going to be legal trouble down the road?? Please help!
submitted by an_ugly_bird to writing [link] [comments]

2020.09.23 10:00 zingalala1947 As a P.M, what is your role in handling tech systems complexity in a big company?

Most of the big companies are moving towards a microservices architecture which ultimately means that there are a lot of services which handles a specific peice of the overall tech system. Generally these services have thier own tech teams to look after thier end, these teams could be as large as 40-50 developers with thier own sprints, TPM, VP technology.
For Example, For a transaction, you might have a system for getting the user's current balance, another system to actually process a transaction and another system to actually show this transaction to the user.
Now as a P.M your requirement can stretch across multiple systems and might require a change in multiple systems.
The question that I want to ask is, what is the role that you as a P.M play in such scenarios in your current company.
  1. Whose responsibility it is to identify which all systems would require a change for the feature that you have in mind?
In my current company, this is expected of the P.M who rely on sub understanding of the current systems and thier interaction.
  1. Whose responsibility it is to make sure that the timelines of each individual systems are aligned and get to a delivery date?
In my current company, this is expected of the Technical Program Manager role. However depending upon the program and how much you are able to push the TPM, this is done by the PM or the TPM.
  1. Ensuring that the delivery date is met?
Again expected of the TPM, but can fall back on the PM as well.
  1. Who would actually do the change in these systems? The team who owns these systems or the team who wants the change to be done?
In my current company, the team who owns these systems are expected to do the change.
Looking for the answers to the above questions in the context of your company, it will be helpful if you can mention the company name or sector
Company - One of the largest fin tech from India.
submitted by zingalala1947 to ProductManagement [link] [comments]

2020.09.23 02:08 stuckinaccra24 An interesting breakthrough from a crush on a restricted person

So I’ve (18 M) been at university for about two weeks and in the past few day’s I’ve struggled with having extreme feelings for a flatmate (20F)
For full disclosure she is a third year and I’m a first, above that she knows it’s a very bad idea for flatmates to get romantically involved so this crush turned immediately into a ball of crushing anxiety since this was not good news since this was very likely to not happen and cause a lot of awkwardness if things got out
The thing is me and this girl both are on the spectrum so she’s someone who can just get me, neaurotypical people can always understand but very rarely and someone truly know what it’s like unless you’ve lived your whole life with it and I think this is what caused so much strong attraction and why it hurts so much to not be able to get that because it feels so rare to find people who can make me feel that way.
And in the state of manic joy, sadness and anxiety I’ve been through the past few days I think I’ve reached a point of clarity through it all, the point of all this pain inside of me: I want this person because I need someone who can be empathetic of the struggle of being autistic but also because if I am going to date anyone I need them to be able to support me through it because I’ve spent 18 years sailing this boat through stormy waters and I don’t know how much longer I can steer it upwards before the storm just sinks me
This is sad to realise because this is a very rare person to find but at least I know now what I want or a little peice of what I want, I might not get this person (I certainly hope we can be good friends) but now I feel like I’ve learnt a bit about myself
Idk none of this might make sense but I really wanted to get this down somewhere, thanks for reading if you did and best of luck to all of you out there
submitted by stuckinaccra24 to lonely [link] [comments]

2020.09.18 10:39 DJShy3 My thoughts after V3 (spoilers, kinda? I guess? I dunno)

Yeah, I’m just making this post up as I go, so we’ll all see, myself included, if that spoiler warning is necessary.
You know, I added that ‘meta’ tag to all of my posts of this nature here before, but now? It just feels... fitting. So much more than usual or it’s intended use as a tag.
That ending filled me with so many feelings of such typing and such proper mixing, I legit don’t have words to name these feelings, nor do I have words to describe these feelings. They’re just... there. Sitting in a void of pure me-ness.
When I first saw that spoiler that Tsumugi was the mastermind I truly had no idea how much of a mindfuck the whole truth would me. I mean, how could I? How could anybody!? And furthermore, is she even real? She had that whole spiel about how none of them were truly Ultimates, but that also included herself. She was there when they all lost their sense of identity to be apart of the 53rd killing game. How much of Tsumugi was really her, and not part of the fabrication? I mean, if none of them were Ultimates, then she wasn’t the Ultimate Cosplayer. I had more to say on that matter, but it’s mostly just thoughts with no words in any language attached to them. In the end, I don’t know how to feel about her, or what my current thoughts on her are anymore. All I can say is... I don’t hate her. Not like how I hate Junko, the Ultimate Despair slut. But I don’t exactly like her either. But I think that’s mostly due to my own inability to tell what’s real and what’s a lie regarding who she is, outside of the 53rd killing game and within Danganronpa as a whole.
That said, I should’ve suspected something was up with Kibo the moment I saw him and had a singular thought: “That bot has an ahoge.” I mean, I suspected that the game would play musical chairs with the protags and we would be Kibo at some point, but still. STILL! I will say tho: knowing who he is will make watching Let’s Plays interesting, knowing he’s the audience surrogate and they see what he sees. Miu’s tits in his face come to mind first.
Next up, as a follow up to what I said in my last post, regarding my feelings of Kaito and Maki’s feelings: I am a shipper because of my desire to see others happy with something I feel I cannot achieve myself: a relationship. But I am conflicted. On one hand, their entire relationship is built upon a lie, the biggest lie of all in fact: they, as people and even as themselves, weren’t real, down to the fact that Maki’s own feelings were nothing more than a prewritten script. But on the other hand, there’s that whole speech at the end about what even is a lie and what’s the truth, and how in the end there’s not really a difference, so as long as her emotions and feelings for Kaito are real to her, then they’re real, period. I think what makes this difficult for me is how my shipping tendencies aren’t about me or who I think would be great together. I can and will ship literally anybody with anybody, provided anyone can show me some fanart where they’re happy together. And as such, I can only ship Maki and Kaito provided that Maki ships them. And unless I’m stupid (which is a valid possibility) the ending left that up in the air on her final thought on the matter.
Also as a follow up, someone said something about my feelings of Kokichi after chapter 5. Well, after chapter 6, I can safely say that I don’t despise him anymore. I still hate him, granted, but I hate him as much as others other than Joe from OneShotPlays hates Nagito. He’s an asshole, but a fun asshole. And it doesn’t hurt any that he probably didn’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t think he chose to be an antagonist, that’s just the role Team Danganronpa gave him. Danganronpa games have their character roles and Kokichi played his perfectly. All I can say now is “Kokichi, fuck you and godspeed, you purple bastard gremlin child.” pours out a Dr Pepper, cause I don’t drink
As someone who has troubles with feeling feelings from reality and dumping all my empathy and concern into the world of fiction, Shuichi’s line of “All that pain and sorrow is real to us!” Hit so much harder than it ever needed to on me. I have always cares about these kids from this franchise as well as all the other kids and grown kids from every other well written peice of media I consumed. If I wasn’t physically incapable of crying tears of sorrow, I’m very certain that I would at that line.
Also, I have unlocked the special mode(s) that unlock after a completed playthough. I know nothing about them other than the names ‘Talent Plan’ and Salmon’. However considering the story of this game, I honestly have no idea how this is gonna play out.
Wanna hear a funny tho? When I was playing DR2, I would on the wiki for help with FTEs. While I was doing that, I managed to catch a spoiler, or at least what I remember as a spoiler,(I was about at chapter 5) that Nekomaru was alive and showed up in the unlocked extras of V3. And you wanna know what my immediate thought was for the story of the non-canon thing? DR2 peeps helping to set up the killing game with V3 peeps like the DR1 non-canon game. Without any knowledge of V3’s story or ANYTHING really, I had a truth hidden within a lie I told myself.
But the greatest part of all? Unless I missed something else/the watchlist isn’t up to date, IM FINALLY CAUGHT UP, BITCHES! I can now browse this subreddit without any fear of spoilers! FUCK YEAH, I did it!
submitted by DJShy3 to danganronpa [link] [comments]

2020.09.15 12:35 kittathew At what point should I stop being actively mad at her and my ex-friends (warning: long story)

Okay. So this girl and I liked each other months ago. Right when quarantine started. She was not looking for a relationship at the time which was fine. I told her I would wait. All I asked is that she would tell me once in a while that she still liked me, this is because I have a serious history of trust issues because of all my previous relationships ending in the other person cheating because they lost interest. She took this as me pushing her to do things. I didn't push. We hung out once and when she was crying about her abusive parents I asked if I could give her a hug. That is as far as we went.
A few weeks later we were at a river with all of my other friends (for clarity sake I will call the next 2 groups of people Team A and Team B). Team A (the friend group I was hanging out with) had previously made me break ties with Team B because they had drama with each other. I chose Team A because the girl was in Team A and my best friend (at the time) was in Team A even if they were a more toxic group. So, we were at the river and everything was kinda off. She was acting weird towards me and had been for a couple days. I had been giving her space (only snaping for streak sake and no other texting) because that is how she dealt with things. Regardless it was weird and then when I got home I was kinda just feeling done with trying to pursue this girl who I was starting to lose feelings over. So I called her. I explained and then she went OFF on me. Saying how she has been dropping hints and stuff for weeks saying she was done with me. This made me pissed. Because she was yelling at me and telling me that I am such an idiot and that is just how she is at explaining her feelings. Needless to say, I didn't take that well and took drugs to try and keep myself from doing something dumb. But I did something dumb anyway. I started wandering the streets until my ex-best friend came and got me. The next day I went over to his house to apologize. For 1. Going on a drug trip 2. Getting pissed off at the girl (I know now I was in the right but our group dynamic was that I was the group bitch that always did everything wrong). Needless to say, I thought everything was gonna go back to normal. I was WAY wrong. She started to spread rumors about me saying I pushed her to do things. Then in about 2 days, I had no friends. I had NO ONE. And I felt so angry.
Then something happened that would change my perspective. My ex-best friend broke up with his 6-month gf out of the blue. That is when I peiced shit together. My ex-best friend and the girl I had been wanting to date for MANY MONTHS liked each other. That is why he didn't take my back when everything went down.
Flash forward another few weeks. My ex bff was going down to visit his dad. I was in such a state of shock that I hadn't told my parents about any of this. They still thought I had friends. So when they asked if I was going to the going away party I said yes. I walked for a few miles just crying and wishing I had anyone. Then I got to an abandoned building where I made an important call. I called someone else who had been kicked out of the group before me. He picked me up and became my new best friend. We spent months having so much fun. Then my ex-best friend apologized to him for kicking him out of the group and suddenly he was back in.
Flash forward a week and he is giving rides to the girl who ruined my social life. By this point, I have been diagnosed with ASPD manifesting sociopathic tendencies. I was in the car with my new best friend and he sees that the girl who ruined my social life and his ex (who broke his heart) are hanging out at ****** so I make a joke saying "we should go to ****** and beat them up". Side tangent my best friends ex, dated my ex-best, friend and ACCUSED HIM OF RAPE and yet he forgave her and they still hang out to this day.
(Back to the story) Me being a sociopath having no remorse or empathy so I just say what comes to mind most of the time. Me saying this reaches my ex-best friend and he goes BALLISTIC. Even though through my relationship before the girl he CONSTANTLY criticized her and called her dumb and said he hated her. He was one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex in the first place. He says he hates me on a live stream and I realize that I hate him too. He had just as much to do with my social life being ruined as the girl did.
A few weeks later I get a text from him saying "apologize to me and her or else". And even though I didn't think I did anything wrong. I did. But nothing changed. My new best friend started drifting towards them and hasn't been the same. He texts me less and hangs out with them more. He also has stopped wanting me to talk badly about them which is angering because he is my only outlet.
All of this has kinda come to a halt starting 3 weeks ago. I am constantly filled anger towards them and it only gets worse because I have classes with them.
All I wanna know is should I stay mad out of self-respect? Because I know I can't be treated like this and stand for it. I don't wanna lie down and be their bitch anymore. Or should I let go even though every time my best friend comes over he talks about them and brings back the pain? I know them taking up my mind is bad. But it still affects me and I feel like I can't stop without someone telling me why.
submitted by kittathew to Advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.14 01:53 BigGooba4444 Hit my ex gf, fucked my friends girl, can’t stop drinking and doing drugs, tons of trauma from this year, need advice

To preface this, I think I suffer from BPD.
Basically I was in a super duper toxic relationship with a girl, she was histrionic and a terrible alcoholic. She was constantly cheating/trying to cheat on me and was literally drunk all the time. Instead of breaking up with her I became controlling and abusive, trying to force her to not be histrionic and not drink all the time. Over time I became angrier and angrier and had a few raging outbursts while in blackouts, the last one culminating in me slapping her on her side above her butt cheek really hard and she ran away and called the police while I knocked over a bunch of shit in our apartment and I got a domestic assault charge over it.
Basically I was a piece of shit for a long time in the relationship. After she cheated on me, tried to cheat on me even more, publicly humiliated me multiple times, and for the most part straight up assaulted me a couple times, I cheated on her and became abusive. It was a really really bad relationship and ya I admit I was a peice of shit for the latter part. Like ik how much I scared her in my rages at her. It just fucking sucks because I’m so fucking conflicted now. On one hand I’m really upset that she could cheat, physically attack me, gaslight me, and ruin friendships for me and I’m the one who’s in legal trouble now because I fucked up one time really bad, but on the other hand I feel really really awful about how I treated her and I don’t hate her, like I still love her. Ik we can’t ever be in a relationship again, but I do want to reconcile. Like I don’t want her out there hating my guts and I’m super upset about the fact of the possibility of facing her in court like that would kill me inside. This isn’t how I wanted things to end. I’m so fucked up about it.
On top of all this shit, my best friend (also her ex) OD’d and died during our relationship. And ya that was hard af both losing a best friend and having to console my gf about a lost love, like ya that shit was both heartbreaking and awkward af at the same time. And to preface everything, he set me up with her, but in hindsight she fucked that relationship up between me and him because she literally just can’t act right when she’s wasted. It sucks and he died before I could fix our relationship with each other. On top of that too, my other best friend tried to kill himself and I had to call the paramedics on him and he got caught with a fuck load of drugs at his apartment and is now going to prison. Like wtf I’m literally losing everyone. Like I graduated from college with a very very good degree recently, but I can’t get a fucking job because I have a domestic assault case hanging over my head. It’s so fucked up and unfair.
And then in my infinite knowledge and emotional intelligence, I ended up fucking my friend’s girl(not officially dating, but still seeing each other) right after my assault incident with my ex because I was upset. Now he’s not happy with me obviously. Idk what to do, like I do want to try to make it up with everyone, but I don’t know how. Like idk if it’s even possible.
Now all I do is drink and do whatever drugs I can get my hands on, I can’t get a job, I’m broke, hopeless, and I don’t even see the point of continuing on. I tried to reach out to my ex to apologize, but she hates me now. I want to quit getting drunk and high all the time, but it’s way too fucking miserable to be sober. Am I a terrible person, do I deserve this shit? Idk wtf to do. I want to make it up with both my ex and my friend but idk how. Is it even possible?
submitted by BigGooba4444 to BPD [link] [comments]

2020.09.12 07:53 kindamehbutok My heart was broken 3 times, but it worked out for the good.

Before this story starts I want to acknowledge a few things
1: My grammar isnt the best so please try to read past it. I am so sorry for it but Im not the best at grammar.
2: I explain this story as if Im talking to you in person. So If something seems off with what Im saying thats why. So I may use words like: Kinda, Anyway, So basically, etc.. Im sorry again for my poor grammar but Im used to texting not writing books.
3: READ THE WHOLE STORY. Please read this especially if you are in a low point in life. I dont tell this story because I want you to feel sorry for me. I want this story to help you. Yeah Its a mild low point in my life and I understand that some people go through alot worse but please look past that. I have a specific reason to tell this story.
4: This is kinda weird for me to get this out there because Ive never talked about this to anyone who didnt help me through it personally. So this is going to be strange for me but I hope it helps you. Please read all the way through and if you want to say something about it please do! I would love your opinions on this matter. Thank you!
I will also have each section of the story as a few word phrase to make the next part a little easier to understand. like the one below.
Who was I?
I was a 16 year old, all my life single, hyperactive, kid attending any sort of public school for the first time in my life. Yes.. I was homeschooled my entire life. That meant that going to school for me was a huge step out of my comfort zone. I was a little shy but adapted to my surroundings decently fast. I had a small group of friends, but I never had that group of friends that I knew I could trust and talk about anything with.
First Day of School
I arrived at the school for the first time for the "prep day." Basically they did a crash course of how everything worked throughout the year and what to expect. I was going to a virtual academy while taking 2 classes at the main Highschool. I arrived at the school I noticed only 3 people I recognized. One of which was a girl I knew, but not too well. (Which I will call Ella for Identity reasons) Basically the only time we really talked is when I helped my mom take her 8th grade pictures. She was 15 I was turning 17 that year. Anyway I sat down next to her and we talked a little throughout the meeting. Little did I know that was the start of something way bigger then I could've Imagined.
Fast forward a few weeks and Ive meet a few new people but out of everyone Ella and I were closest. I was just getting into social media and one lunch period everyone was trying to convince me to get Snapchat. Ive tried snapchat before and I thought at the time It was kind of pointless, but they convinced me and helped me set up mt account.
Later that day I got a snap from Ella, and all it was were the words: "Night Streaks" now I had gotten a ton of these "streaks" for people but I finally decided to ask Ella what it meant. She explained it and we got talking. Soon enough we were almost talking everyday. We would see eachother in the mornings, eat lunch, walk to the other school on the opposite side of the campus, go our separate ways, then most likely end up chatting on snapchat until its time to go to bed, then do it all agian. Needless to say she quickly became my best friend.
My First Crush
I had never had a crush on anyone, and as a 17 year old who had never experienced "feelings for someone" it was weird when I finally met a girl that I had feelings for. It took me a while to realize that I liked Ella, but as soon as I started to accept it. People noticed..
I cant specifically remember the ammount of people who asked me but It was blatantly obvious that I liked her or at the very least felt comfortable around her. I wasnt the only one however.. One day I was walking to the school with one of her friends that over heard them talking.
"So do you like him?" Her friend asked quietly.
"Well.." Ella started to talk but quickly stopped.
Her friend gasped! "So you do like him!?"
"Yeah Ok! Maybe I do like him," Ella said. "My mom doesnt want me to date until college so dont get your hopes up."
"Well shoot!" I thought. "First crush and not even a month goes by and my heart gets broken!"
I thought about it heavely and I was upset. Not at her or the guy but upset at myself. But I managed. A few weeks go by and Im in the virtual academy building when.. the website goes down. Thats right. The main website for the classes completely un-accessible. The teachers give us the permission walk around and chat. I go over to my group of friends, Ella being one of them, and start talking. We all see Ella's "boyfriend" walking up to the building and she starts freaking out wanting to hide. Im confused but dont say anything. Turns out they had an argument and he was being a jerk to her. (I'll be honest I never really liked the dude anyway. He was a jerk)
A few more weeks go by, Christmas break comes and goes and we keep talking over snapchat. The more we talk the more I realize I cant shake these feelings for her! "Should I ask her how she feels about me?" I wondered. "I know her mom and she doesnt want her to date and I will respect that. But we don't have to date? I could just tell her how I feel! But that would make things awkward if she doesn't feel the same."
Apparently somehow her mom found out that I liked her and she got excited and wanted her daughters to invite me over to hang out and I did. I got to know their whole family well and become close to her and her family. It was almost a bimonthly thing where I would come over to their house and hang out and I thought for certain that she felt the same.
The Campout
So I am a part of this thing called Pathfinders. Its a Christian organization where its basically Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts combined into one. Ella and I went to the same club and we both went to a campout. At this time we were really close. The school year was coming to a close in a few weeks and I hadn't heard her talking about anyone she was interested in and we talk alot so I would've known. With that In mind I made sure that this campout I was going to get to know her better.
The first morning we are all gathered around for church and believe it or not the topic was love! More specifically love languages and finding yours. I was shocked partially but happy aswell.. maybe I could use this to talk about my feelings...? I was mainly confused and anxious but we basically hung out that whole day. I had so much fun and If anything I was with my best friend making memories and having fun.
Later that night, after the evening worship talk was done and the songs were sung. It was just me and her sitting around the campfire talking. We talked for a while and then she asked, "whats your love language"
At first I was surprised, but I answered the question
"Quality Time" I said
She sat there and thought about it.
"What about you?" I asked.
"I would say quality time too." She answered.
And we sat there. Talking. Spending time in eachothers company. It was at this point that I realized the Ella was special to me. I know it sounds cliche, but at that time I didnt care about my feelings. All I thought was "I want her in my life, whether she is my significant other or not. I will be there for her."
The Heartbreak
The next morning it was time to leave. I was helping her and her younger sister pack a tent when they started talking about crushes.
"Yeah you have that one dude, whats his name.. Oh steven!" Ellas Sister exclained.
"Shut up!" Ella snapped. "Were just friends, yeah we know we both like eachother but we dont want to start anything right now"
"You've GOT TO BE KIDDING!!" I thought. "Again!? I have to go through this again? Maybe I should just give up. This is useless! I keep falling for her just to be heartbroken! Its not worth it! Dont cry... its ok. Oh shoot... Im riding back with her in a car! Dangit! I have to keep my composure for that long?"
"Enough of me ok!" Ella exclaimed. "Why do we have to talk about me?" Ella looked at me. "Who do you like?"
Yeah.. after having my heart broken. My crush that I was certain had feelings for me. Is now asking who I liked.. and wouldnt stop.
"Come on I am your best friend you have to tell me!" "Your like always so hidden about your feelings its ok to talk about how you feel" she kept on and on trying everything to break me and find out who I liked. Meanwhile I have my sunglasses over my eyes praying they dont see the tears I'm trying my hardest to hold in. I had it.. I wanted so bad to say I liked her just to shut her up, but I knew it would only make things worse. I thought about pur talk last night and how I said to myself that I would always be there for her. It took a while but she finally stopped asking and we left for home.
I know they say men arent supposed to cry but when I got home and layed down in my bed I cried. Just when I thought things were going my way it all came crashing down with insult to injury included in the painful fall.
Summer Camp
The end of school was here and I had accepted a job at a summer camp out of state. She had broken up with that one guy and I was barely over what happened on the campout. When she found out I was going to be gone all summer she was the only one who gave me a shocked and sad reaction.
I left for summer camp and we kept in contact. Quite often having late nights texting over snapchat. I was still heartbroken but I told myself I would be there for her and If anything Im going to be her friend. Even if she never knows I will still be by her side and be that person she can talk to when things are hard.
Summer camp ends, I return and come to find out they had transferred over to my church and were going there every weekend now. Which I thought was cool. Now I can see them every weekend instead of just school.
School starts, Im a senior now and she is no longer attending the Virtual school so Im seeing her alot less now. We still however kept touch on Snapchat.
The Challenge
You know those challenges on snapchat where you answer questions about a person. It could be your brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.. yeah when I texted my friend to get a person to answer the questions about. Yeah... I got crush... I still had feelings for Ella so I decided to answer the questions with her being the person. (I hope this all makes sense)
Not much time passes and I get a text from Ella.
"Ok.. you have to tell me who this person is!" She said
A little while later she Is being very persistent. I try changing the topic once and she wont have it. She will not stop asking me until she gets her answer. So I start dropping hints. Hoping she gets the idea that I like her.
After a few hints are dropped she is trying to be my wingman. I was done, I decided to drop one big hint before I was going to drop the conversation all together.
"If you just tell me who it is I can talk to her and try to see if she feels the same!" She said.
"Im afraid you cant" I replied.
"Why not?" She asked
"Unless you look in a mirror I dont see how you can" I said.
Silence... she knew.
After all this time, all this heartbreak, all this wondering what would happen if she knew. It all came down to this.. we talked a bit about what I would say if the feelings were mutual and how I wasnt interested in starting a relationship partially because I wasnt ready and partially becuase I wanted to respect her parents wishes. It was ok. She took it well but didnt say a whole lot.
It was like a huge weight had been lifted up off my shoulders. But it finally started to sink in.. she was visiting family.. I wasnt going to see her for 2 weeks. What will things be like in person. Will things be awkward? He siblings know, are they going to treat me differently?
Thankfully it didn't, but things were never the same after that. I had grown closer to her family and now we were hanging out alot more. We had this small group of friends that we hung out with alot and It was a blast! Like I said before Id never had a close group of friends that I could talk to and I finally was getting there.
Fast forward to the end of the school year and into summer. I decided to stay home that summer and not work for summer camp and we ended up hanging out with that group all summer long. Most days we were either talking or hanging out and I became really close with that group. I had thought that with the way our relationship has been going and how close we had gotten I was going to give it one last try.
The Big Campout!
It came time for the International Pathfinder Camporee! (Basically its a pathfinder event but 50,000 people go and camp in an airport its pretty dope!) And I was determined to make this camping trip a way to see how she felt towards me.
The first day! Going great! We hung out all day.
The second day! Hung out most of the day but I had work to do so I didnt hang out all day with her.
The third day. We barely hungout.
The rest of the week she basically ignored me and hung out with another group of guys.
The camp out was done and I was feeling down. I had noticed her hanging out with another one of my friends and I was a bit suspicious.
The Third Heartbreak..
It was a Saturday afternoon and we were hanging out in town. Ella and my friend were all over eachother all day. I was getting suspicious and was keeping a close eye on them. We went over to a friends house and it was then they just went all in. They were holding hands, cuddling by the pool, hugging like 24/7... I was done. I had enough. That night I barely got sleep. I couldn't help but check their Instagram feeds with the pictures of them two wondering if she still remembered how I felt. Did she ever feel that way about me? Am I just bad at reading signals? What the HECK!?!? HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO FALL FOR THE GIRL WHO BROKE MY HEART NOW 3 DAMN TIMES!?
needless to say.. I barely got sleep. I couldn't last a minute without a million questions running through my mind. It was the first time I experienced depression like this and I didn't want to do ANYTHING. My brother saw that I was super depressed and told them to stop posting every minute on their Instagram stories how much they love eachother. Turns out she put all the peices together and texted me.
It was very simple..
She apologized for everything and said she didn't know that it hurt me.
Out of everything that she said.. one thing she said stood out to me.
"I want to thank you for everything you've done. You have been there for me like nobody has and I dont want to loose you as a friend. I love you and I want you in my life."
It made me realize that despite the heartache. I was her friend. That I promised myself that I would be there for her despite the circumstance. I never realized until then how much it meant to her. That no matter what I was there for her.
I later found out that when I said I liked her, she cried because to her it meant someone liked her for who she was. No benefits, not for her looks, or to have a status symbol. That someone was there for, her.
Fast forward a year.. because I fell in love with her, her mom made us hangout, because we hung out we dragged other people along in the friend group. Now, I have the closest group of friends I ever will have. I dont know how to describe the relationship with this group. All I know is if it weren't for this group, I wouldn't be where I am today. Two of them would be dead, or in severe depression. This group of people are family. And it took being there for someone through the hard times, to find my second family.
So why do I tell this story? Not to make you feel sorry for me or applaud me or anything. This is not a selfish story. Instead I want you to take this story, and know that sometimes it takes a low point in your life to get you to a better part. There were many nights where I question God why am I going through this? Why do I have to be so dumb and ignorant to fall for this girl 3 times just to be heartbroken? I believe it is because of that heartbreak that I got to where I am today. That I found my friends. That I learned what it meant to love unconditionally. And that is why, you never give up when its hard.
I know my story is very mild compared to others but let this, if anything, Inspire you to keep moving. Keep pushing. You dont know whats on the other side. It might be what you are looking for. You just havent gotten there yet. Hang in there!
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The best piece of dating advice - YouTube 5 Things You NEED To Know About Dating A Pisces - YouTube DATING A PISCES  Benito Skinner (2019) - YouTube #AaronaAstrology - Dating A Pisces

Pisces and Pisces - Compatibility in Sex, Love and Life

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